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Location: Vienna, Virginia, United States

A graduate of Dartmouth College (2005) and Washington and Lee University School of Law (2010). These are my personal blogs, and the musings expressed on them do not reflect the positions of my employer. They do reflect my readings, thoughts, and aspirations, which I figure is good enough.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Series Thoughts

Reaches Closet on Error by Manny Ramirez

All I can say right now is that Manny Ramirez better be licking the mud off of Mark Bellhorn's cleats. Because if they had lost tonight's game, Manny would have been a goat of immense proportions. He actually made three gaffes, but the third one, a baserunning error that could have resulting in a rundown had there been someone covering first base, ended up actually in the Red Sox' favor. Nevertheless, Friendly Manny, as the inane and badly edited tribute dubbed him, needs to get it into his head that when he's out in left field, he shouldn't really be "out in left field" mentally. It's not only an adventure watching him make difficult plays, but sometimes easy flys induce gasps because of the dizzying routes he takes to the ball.

That being said, Manny could have made two more errors without being as annoying as Jeanne Zelasko. I've said it. Jeanne Zelasko = more annoying than four Manny Ramirez errors (but not five). I seriously think they gave her a spot in the pre and post game squad because her last name starts with Z. Someone at Fox said to themselves "Pick the broadcaster by merit? Nah. By Last Name A-Z? Too boring. How about Z-A? Ok, sounds good." So it was Jeanne Zelasko over Marv Albert, and the rest is history. You know, it occurs to me that Jeanne Zelasko's coverage of the World Series is not unlike a short, hairless man that enjoys kinky sex and bites people on the back. *Gives Self Point* Self: 1 Zelasko: - 19 (-1 for each hairstyle we've seen this postseason).

It wouldn't be as bad if she could talk baseball. But Fox apparently wants to reinforce negative gender stereotypes, so every night, it's Jeanne Zelasko turning it over to Chris Myers or some other male figure that pretends to know what they're talking about. And what's with all the Bush Ads? Is one of the loopholes of equal ad times that you can run all the Bush ads between 6 PM and 11PM and all the Kerry ads between 6 AM and 11 AM? Because all I'm seeing are commercials for E.D. drugs and plugs for Bush. Oh my God. commercials for cocks and plugs for bush. It ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Someone get Tim Russert on the line, I've got his lead story.

Wait, I lost it.

Wait, it's back.

I'm crude at 1 AM. Ah well.

Well, here's hoping that Manny got all the faceplants out of his system tonight. Manny - I know Fenway mud is good for the complexion, but it can wait til after the game. You have to stop listening to the guys from Queer Eye because you can work on your skin the entire offseason. Right now you have to worry about the fly ball plummeting towards your mug.

Speaking sallow looking individuals, Julian Tavarez was looking sick even before he gave up that homer to Bellhorn. This might be the effect of the four shots he needed just to walk out there tonight. You know, with all the bandaging and stitching going on this offseason . . . I'm predicting a torch wielding mob taking the field at some point during the series. Yes, I think Curt Schilling will resemble Frankenstein's monster by the end of all this. On Halloween. Frankenstein's monster leaves the game with a lead after seven. Mike Myers on the mound. The stuff of legend.

Scores on Throwing Error by Queer Eye Bachelor #87, aka Manny Ramirez

Postgame analysis, courtesy of the guys from Queer Eye

"Manny honey, I know a hairstylist in New York that will fix that right up. And don't forget to zooje (how do you spell that??) regularly before every game. Remember, millions are watching. And when you hang your uniform up? Please, wire hangers are the instrument of the Devil. Even George Steinbrenner knows better."

"Those uniforms? Darling!! But Someone has to take Curt's socks to the Dry Cleaners!!! Someone get me some Club Soda!!!"

"These yoga lessons will really help you in the field I promise. And when we're done, the Banana Creme Pie will be ready to come out of the oven. Nothing impresses a visiting team more than a Banana Creme Pie."

"And nothing can entice a hungry badger like a Yankee Pot Roast"

!!! Christopher Walken, what are you doing here? Go back to frightening small children, shoo!!

"By the time you get back from St. Louis, I'll have the Green Monster all fixed up. Promise. Ick, Green, just makes you hungry. I'm leaning more towards a montage . . . you have so much lying around that's so . . . you. Retro kitsch and all that."

"What? I'm the style guy, I don't do anything. Do you want dancing lessons? No? But I was on the rock opera Rent . . . "


2 Comments:

Blogger Emily said...

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1:16 AM  
Blogger Satchmo said...

. . . I didn't know Blog spam existed. Jesus H Johnny Damon Christ. What is the world coming to?

1:21 AM  

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