Location: Vienna, Virginia, United States

A graduate of Dartmouth College (2005) and Washington and Lee University School of Law (2010). These are my personal blogs, and the musings expressed on them do not reflect the positions of my employer. They do reflect my readings, thoughts, and aspirations, which I figure is good enough.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Quick Baseball Post

I think most people who read my blog have already stopped reading after the title.

Oh well. Tough noogies.

Barry Bonds might be back today. He might not be. I could really care less.

What I do care about though, are the reports that he got into a fight with a teammate in June, in which "Bonds punched the player in the jaw, whereupon the player put Bonds in a headlock and retaliated." (Source:

Why do I care?

Because what kind of mutant monstrosity is capable of placing Barry Bonds in a headlock? I imagine that it would be something like the fight between Cary Elwes and Andre the Giant in "The Princess Bride."

Barry, who's listed as an imposing 6'2'', 228 lbs., would be a tough cookie, even after knee surgery. Think about it. Either his teammate jumped off a bench to get Barry in a headlock, or is really big himself.

In other words, I'm pretty sure it wasn't Omar Vizquel, who is listed generously as 5'9''.

I also wouldn't expect it to be a young player, because I would think he would be rather intimidated by Bonds' hulking presence in the locker room.

No, my money is on LaTroy Hawkins. He's not bulky, but he is 6'5'', so he has a bit of a height advantage on Barry. LaTroy also angers easily and gets irrational, if his days as a closer are any indication.

This is where MLB needs to step in. Not to intervene in fights, but to promote them. Their PR department is scrambling already amidst this whole steroids thing; why not just resign yourself and make a few bucks off it?

UPDATE: It was NOT LaTroy Hawkins. No, it's better. Apparently it was Jason Christiansen, who is no longer pitching for the San Francisco Giants but is still in state with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. He logs in at 6'5'' as well, but is a burlier 230. That makes sense. He's also 36, so he wouldn't be afraid to take it to the BALCO-nator.

UPDATE II: Jen points out that it is entirely possible that Christiansen didn't really have the strength, but merely crippled Bonds first with either a rabbit punch or a swift blow to the crotch, thereby rendering him prone to a headlock. I suppose this is possible, and it is also certainly possible that the papers were too queasy to report it. But then I think that most major newspapers in this country would be happy to report Barry taking a shot to the shrunked testicles, since they would love to do it themselves.

Jason Christiansen is probably guaranteed a job at some media outlet after his pitching career is over. I'm surprised no article has hailed him as a hero yet. Perhaps after his retirement, he will become Jason Christiansen, a mild-mannered journalist by day (Yahoo! correspondent?), Asshole Crotch-Disabler Extraordinaire (ACE) by night.


Blogger panda said...


will, you are popular

and probably talking to a bot

7:59 PM  
Blogger panda said...

by the way, what exactly is a rabbit punch?

8:04 PM  
Blogger Satchmo said...

But I want tooth whitener philadelphia...

In any case, a rabbit punch is a disabling blow to the back of the neck. Although for some reason, I've also seen it used to reference any crippling blow - i.e. I hit him with a rabbit punch to the spleen

11:59 PM  

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